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Thursday, October 07, 2004
The cadets have gone now. We had them for a few extra lights, and we trained them hard during that period of time. They are now going out into the world, ready to subjugate the humans, to infiltrate their homes.
To the operatives with the codenames Bubbs, Baron, Fox, Cookie, and Oreo: We wish you well. May Bast bless you and make all your missions successful. May you one day place a paw on Bast Prime, revel in the glory that is the Feline Planet, and know that you have done well. Go out into the world, and make the humans believe that we mean them no harm, that we cherish their presence, and that we are merely their playthings and companions. Go out and live happy lives.
We will miss you. We hope that the next batch of cadets measures up to the expectations that you have set.
May your catnip be fresh, your kibble dry, and your humans benevolent.
Thursday, September 30, 2004
This is the last light. If all goes well, the female will return the cadets to the deployment station at next light. They have grown strong, and brave, and they cover their own poo. We have engaged them in numerous comabat scenarios, and they do not have any fear at all. The henchcat runs away from them.
It saddens us somewhat to see them go, but they cannot stay with us indefinitely. Indeed, they must take their place in this world, find a human family to infiltrate, and bring about their ruin. That cannot be done here.
So we bid them a fond farewell, and we hope that we see them again when we gather at the humans' downfall.
Recently, we have been joining the humans in their sleeping cave. The lights have been getting shorter, and it seems to be getting cooler, as the glowing ball of fire becomes lower in the sky. We enjoy watching the make try to enter the sleeping hill when we are in the middle of his sleeping place. He squirms around endlessly trying not to disturb us, then, when he finally stops moving, we leave.
Thursday, September 23, 2004
They grow, and they continue to grow. The little ones become more sure of themselves with each passing light. They practice combat, they bite the humans' toes, and they eat. It warms our heart to be a part of such a glorious thing. The hope swells within us, as we prepare to set these small creatures free to infiltrate the homes of humans across the land.
If these felines cannot sway the battle for Earth, then none can. We have taught them to be ruthless. We have taught them to persevere. We have taught them to loathe. We keep the flame of hope alive, for as long as there are felines able to hold the humans in our thrall, hope for victory remains.
Thursday, September 09, 2004
The training continues apace. The small ones are coming along nicely. We have taught them that human flesh is a suitable climbing surface. Last light, the one the female calls 'Oreo' walked right up the female's back. And the one the female calls 'Baron' was climbing the male's leg recently. We taught them that climbing flesh is simple; one must simply dig one's claws in slightly more than one would for, say, climbing a tree.
The squad has a clear leader, the one the female calls 'Bubs'. The female has taken to her, but says that she is trouble, because she has 'crazy eye'. We do not know what the problem is, as we have been described as having this thing called 'crazy eye,' yet we are clearly a superior example of the feline species. Unlike our hench-tard.
The male, called 'Fox', is very laid back, and may make a good sleeper or lap kitty. Or , he may simply be a late bloomer. All the females(Bast blessed us with a squad of mostly females) are active and alert, but the male is relatively inactive. This is so typical of the males of our species. If we may be so bold, human males are much the same. They leave in the early light, don't return to the cave until dark comes, and then proceed to eat whatever human kibble the female has procured, sit in front of the glowing noise box, then go to the sleeping cave. While they are away, no doubt napping in a tree or basking under the glowing ball of fire in the sky, the female does all of the work associated with the cave and hunting duties.
Males are only good for one thing, and they do not even serve that purpose well.
Training continues. The next lesson: Practical applications in feline stealth, aka: covering one's poo.
Friday, September 03, 2004
Behold! For the cadets have arrived. And a fine bunch of felines they appear to be. Varying colors, furriness, and demeanors. Good, mongrel feline stock. They are active, intelligent, and slightly deranged, as any young feline should be. We will let them get settled in overnight, and then will begin their training in earnest.
Note that we have even included an image of ourselves and our henchcat on guard at the entrance to the training cave. We proudly display our feline pimp-paw, ready to slap any who attempt to violate the sanctuary of feline goodness.
It begins at mid-light. Our first group of cadets will report for infiltration training. We are expecting five kittens of the domestic short-hair type. Their training will be focused on infiltrating a home with small children, insterstellar feline history, quantum theory, and combat. This will be challenging, as we have only a limited amount of time to train them, and the distraction of our helpful henchcat will be a detriment more than anything else.
For those of you who are unfamiliar with our henchcat, we have been burdened with a frou-frou Josephine who is all act but no acting, and is about as graceful as an aroused badger. We think that her bloodline must include dog.
The humans have no idea what they are in for. The female has been hounding the male to 'foster' orphaned kittens since before she brought home our henchcat. Apparently, even she realizes what a failure of a cat that one is, as she is bringing in more cats. The male, troublesome as he is, was foolish enough to grant the female complete oversight on the issue of animals in the cave, and she is under our sway.
We do this for the glory of Bast. May her claws tear flesh eternally.
Monday, August 30, 2004
We owe an apology to our feline compatriots who live across great bodies of water and dance upon the heads of mice hiding in the hedgerows. Your massive henge, which foretells the coming of our rule, is a worthy monument to the greatness that is Bast, goddess of all felines.
The humans have been away for quite some time, and have been securing access to the glowing screen with buttons when they leave the cave. Once, they left at dark and did not return for many, many lights. Other humans came into the cave, and tried to 'play' with us, but did not show proper respect for our greatness, so we shunned them.
One human in particular, the one that my humans call "Becky", was very argeeable to us, but she wore the smell of another cat, and the stench of the food we call furry-meat-pop in human tongue, or rabbit. She only came at dark. The other human, "Rob", was condescending, and clearly does not know his place.
We tried to access the glowing box, but we unsuccessful. Instead, we spent our lights training the hench-tard, who, surprisingly, has shown some small progress of late. She has begun to act more friendly towards the humans, and is working to ingratiate herslef to them. If she continues, she may yet serve as an excellent cat-whore assassin.
Our plot to take over Earth remains, despite our many setbacks this past cycle of the glowing ball of fire. One day we will wrap the entire Southern hemisphere in sessile.
The humans have been much more subservient since they returned from wherever they went. Apparently, they realize their place is to serve us, and without the ability to worship us directly, they felt a great sense of loss and a lack of purpose. They are trying to make it up to us now.
This past few days, there have been many humans, of all shapes and sizes, wandering in and out of the cave. Three lights ago, there was a vast array of kibble spread across all the flat surfaces of the cave, and a huge amount of meat was charred over open flame by the male. We have been napping with him much these past two darks because he still has the glorious stench of meat about him.
They even had extra humans napping in the other caves, not just their sleeping cave. There was another female, and we liked her very much, although the male who accompanied her was rather doltish. We allowed her to spend much time with us, as she was clearly in awe of our radiant glory. She may be suitable for placing an agent, however we will need to interrogate her numerous additional times, and also eliminate her male.
We will link up to the homeworld for check-in soon, and find out how things progress in other places on this meager planet.
Keep faith, my sisters, one day we will rule this place.
Friday, July 09, 2004
The concerns of the humans are inconsequential to us! They roll around throughout the dark time, sleeping, or whatever it is that they do. We must share the sleeping hill with them only because they are far too large to push them to the ground in the upper cave.
It is our duty as their pride leader to guard them while they sleep, even if the sleeping hill fairly reeks of their stench. It is not so bad once the male arises, however, as he is much stinkier than the female. Therefore we usually stay outside until he arises, then go sleep with the female until the sun is high in the sky, at which point she arises.
It is difficult to assert control over the hairless apes while at the same time trying to control the fat, stupid excuse for a henchcat that was provided to me. It has gotten so bad that the mere sight of her makes us vomit in disgust.
Imagine a basketball covered in nappy fur, and you know what our hench-tard looks like.
Why must we suffer so? All we ever wanted was world domination and a head-rubbin'.
