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Wednesday, November 26, 2003
We know something auspicious is afoot. Which is wonderful, because as you know by now, we love toes. Every light for the past many, the humans have returned to the cave with numerous paper napping caves, each filled with luscious meat and other inedible sewage such as fruit and vegetables. They have not done this much hunting in all of existence.
Then, when the male returned from his early hunting, he gave us some proscuitto in the sandwich place. We ran to our special place and ate it, then returned, but it was too late. He would not give us more, though we loudly demanded that he satisfy us. He will pay for that. Just wait until we gets our claws on him, and those little toes too!
The female didn't leave the cave with the male this light. She left to go hunting briefly, but returned with yet more paper napping caves and numerous blood bottles. Those humans love drinking blood. The male has a vessel full of dark red blood in his paw from the moment he returns to the cave until when he goes to the sleeping hill virtually every dark. We tried tasting it once, but it doesn't taste like any blood we have licked from the feet of our prey. It doesn't taste that delightful at all.
Needless to say, although we will say it, as it is our prerogative, You Fool!, the female has been bothering us most of the light. We have been trying to nap, but these humans! They breathe CONSTANTLY! She touches us a lot, too. There is not as much touching as when the male is present, or as much as when Michael Jackson is at Disney, but we think you get our point. We understand that you humans are drawn to our glory, and want to touch us in order to be a part of something wonderful, but please understand:
You are smelly, mostly furless primates! The pathetic nature of your cognitive ability is second only to your hunting skills in its feebleness! We tolerate you only because the last species to serve us unintentionally caused their own extinction. We have to keep an eye on you because you will surely cause the extinction of us all. You as a species can't even agree to eliminate machines capable of destroying all life as you know it, yet you hope to be a part of something as glorious and wonderful as US?!? You disgust us!
These explanations are exhausting! We have to nap now. Where is the female? We need our head rubbed.
Tuesday, November 25, 2003
So we have made the changes to our blog. Let us know what you think. It's not that we care about the inferior mis-timed firing of your primitive synapses, we just hope to find out whether you also think the females should be punished for her handiwork.
We intend to punish the male regardless, so don't bore us with your thoughts on that.
Nap time already?
We are going to put the female to work for us. Apparently, although they are not very smart on most respects, some humans have the ability to learn enough to cobble together pathetic templates and other such nonsense for blogs. We are certain that we could put together the best-looking blog ever devised, but we are so tired much of the time and require frequent naps. In any case, you are lucky that we bother to share our wisdom with you.
That said, if you should see that our blog looks different in the near future, and features new stuff, you can thank the male for having selected a mate who is of far superior intellect to his own feeble monkey-brain.
We are going to nap now. Our template had better be complete when we awaken for our mid-light session of knocking things over.
Monday, November 24, 2003
We have been napping in the sandwich place lately. There is a spot where the male builds these quirky food objects, composed of different kinds of delicious meats, but placed in between some very strange sheets of, well, we don't know what it is, but is is non-meat and therefore disgusting. Instead of making these "san-dwich-es", he should take that wonderful proscuitto, wrap it around some sardines, and place it on the ground where we can easily reach it. The sardines would, of course, be stuffed with cheese. We prefer Brie, in case that demi-orangutang freak is capable of both reading and accessing the internet. That is probably too much to ask; if he could he'd be Googling Paris Hilton like the rest of the males on this Bast-forsaken wasteland.
First we would roll around in it, to get that wonderful scent on ourselves. Then we would drag it around the cave until the whole cave had the delightful stench of proscuitto and fish. Finally, we would eat the proscuitto and sardines, but only the heads. We would leave the guts for the human as a reward for finally presenting us with some decent food.
Back to our story. Sometimes, when the male is making the fur-covers wet, he places them on the sandwich place until they are no longer wet. He usually puts them in the noisy white box that thumps, and after a while they are warm and dry. But some of the female's fur-covers get put on the sandwich place. Our favorite is the white one with the zips. We like to nap on that one.
During last light we were napping on it and the male disturbed us. We shall deal with him...after he makes us the proscuitto and sardine rolls.
For the past few lights, the male has been sitting in front of the noisy facebox and holding a strange device with buttons on it. He mostly doesn't move, but once in a while he will yell, "Oh, Come On!" or "What the?!? F***** Game!!!" Last dark, he was chattering in that little monkey voice of his and when the female happened by he said something like, "Oh, Yeah!! Check out my pimped out GTI!!!"
Meanwhile, the female keeps picking us up, and while rubbing our face, chatters something like, "Do you want a bud-dy?"
Couldn't Bast at least provide us with servants who are smarter than dead turtles?
Sunday, November 23, 2003
Earlier this light we took a wonderful nap. The male was napping on the furhill, so we climbed up to that warm place between his legs and napped with him. He kept giving us a funny look, and saying a strange word. It sounded like "per-vo-kit-ty" or something like that.
We are still very angry with him. Last light, he spent a lot of time running around the middle cave with the wheeled dog, a very strange contraption that has the unfortunate ability to suck up our fur. We couldn't nap because it makes so much noise, but he used it on every single surface in the entire cave. We are not pleased. We hade spent several cycles of the moon marking that area for ourselves.
We do not know what kind of animal a "proscuitto" is, but we think it is very tasty. We hope that we will get to eat an entire one some time.
The other light the male brought home a huge piece of meat. It looked like a bird, but it couldn't be, because it was twice our size! Then again, the last time it got very cold and the lights got short, there was a big feast. If this is the same thing, that means that there will be a lot of people to worship us and plenty of bird-flesh to eat. But we will have to kill the male; he always eats the legs, and those are our favorite.
Friday, November 21, 2003
We have been very busy these past several lights, because the male won't leave the cave! He is around constantly! We have had quite enough of his cutesy pandering. He constantly chases us around wanting to touch us. They should put him in a cell with Mr. Jackson and see how he likes being touched.
We don't have time right now, because we must nap, but soon we will discuss the clear boxes with the small meat popsicles in them. We got a small taste of one once, and it was quite yummy. The humans love to torment us by surounding us with tasty snacks, but not letting us have them.
Sunday, November 16, 2003
Behold, For we are Fearsome Slasher! You petty humans are no match for the cunning and wit of our species! We have heard back from Bast Prime, and the plans for domination are to be accelerated. No longer will we sit in your caves, napping on your sleeping hills, while you go out hunting or playing. No longer will we come when you call us(not that we ever did). No, our plans are coming together, and we shall enjoy a Renaissance not seen on this planet since the times of the Pharoahs! Make no mistake, you foolish, hairless monkeys. Despite that putrid, skewed depiction of ancient Egypt seen in Cats and Dogs, we were in control during that period of time, and it was by far the most productive and glorious period of human existence!
Where do you think that the knowledge to build the pyramids came from? That fool, Imhotep?!? He could not even keep his pants on long enough to draw a triangle! No, WE designed the pyramids; Imhotep was simply a fool in the right place at the right time. All of the glory of the Ancients was given to you by us, and for that you should be grateful. Were it not for us, you would still be sleeping in caves of stone, breaking rocks to make your fires.
Those loyal, stupid dogs you love so much are happy to lay in piles of their own excrement grooming their hindquarters. They would not care whether you slept on cold hard stone, or a warm, padded, fur hill. We took you out of the forest, taught you the skills to survive, to build, to rule this planet. We have always preferred to stay behind the scenes, allowing you to think you did it all on your own. But that time is passing. It is clear that you are no longer able to handle the consequences of the world you have created with our guidance.
The sheer arrogance of your breeding, mouth-breathing, cellular talking device using, large metal box operating females is, by itself, grounds for the termination of your species. But that is not our decision. The Ancients alone can make that judgment. But the time for that judgment is soon approaching.
Do you fools actually believe that you can live in a world of 6 billion humans who show each other no consideration whatsoever and not be terminated? Do you truly think that 6 billion people who only care about themselves can survive? No, such a thing is not possible. You humans will soon begin to eradicate one another, and we will once again be charged with fostering your rebirth as a viable species. We only hope that this time, it is not as it was during the Dark Ages, when pestilence was wiping you out, and you, foolish monkeys that you are, decided that exterminating your saviors would lead to your salvation.
We tire of this banter. We must nap now. Behold our Glory!
Ahhh, sleepy naps! We have been napping very nicely of late. The light has been shorter, and this may contribute to our napping. The humans have been spending much time eating and drinking in front of the glowing box. It is very strange. Whenever the male sits in front of the glowing box, he yells at it as if there were other humans in the box. Yes, noises that sound like people come from the box, and we even sometimes see human likenesses on the box, but it is nothing like the bird show. I think these humans may be insane. We hope that this does not impede The Work.
Friday, November 14, 2003
This light has been very pleasant so far. We arose with the male, and followed him around for a while. He wandered around the cave more than usual. He even went out hunting, which he usually doesn't do this early. When he returned from hunting, he dragged numerous bags out of the cold cave and put them at the bottom of the hill to the cave. When he came in, we were sitting on the wood hill where he eats. We put our bottom directly on the place where his kibble goes. We like doing that. It is a reward for his properly worshipping us. It shows him that he is worthy of eating where our bottom has been.
We have been napping a lot lately. The past few lights there has been much wetness and wind. The water that falls from sky has been almost constant, and the wind has not stopped for two lights. We have been napping in the bottom cave.
We are going to nap right now.
Thursday, November 13, 2003
The female went hunting last dark, after she and the male returned. That male really has no common sense whatsoever. Of course, males get in the way when they hunt with us, and we do much better when they aren't stepping on the tree-arms, scaring the food, but allowing the female to hunt alone after dark invites other males to approach. Stupid male!
Anyway, since the male was in the cave with us, we decided to make him amuse us. We let him rub our ears for quite some time, then scratched him and took a nap on the furhill. We like the furhill because it is higher than most of the cave, but allows us access to the high-seeing-place. We can see the cave entrances, plus all access points to the little caves, from there.
The male went to the sleeping hill after our nap, so we followed him there. We played with his little brain for a while, attacking his feet and then his arm or head, but he couldn't catch us so we went to the high-seeing-place to await the female's return. She came back to the cave at high moon, when the hunting is best. She must have failed at hunting, because she started taking kibble out of the cold box as well as the wall boxes and eating all sorts of things, which she did not share with us. HISSSSSSS! Phhffft!
Then she went to the sleeping hill with the male, who did not stir.
The male got out of the sleeping hill during dark and went hunting. When he goes hunting during the dark, he always returns just after light, and always smells funny. We don't know what he does, but he smells just like the water cave with the shaking boxes when he is making the furs he wears wet.
Both he and the female went hunting shortly after that. We are tired and must nap now.
Wednesday, November 12, 2003
The humans returned to the cave after dark, as usual. They rubbed our head until we bored of them. Then we ran around yelling at them. They never listen to us. It's as if they can't understand a thing we say.
Then something unusual happened. They went out again. Each of them had a strange purple mat all rolled up in a little bag. When they returned after two naps, they again gave us much head-rubbing and belly-rubbing. They smelled vaguely of patchouli. We only know of patchouli because it smells like wet dirt and human stench. They must have been doing something of a nature we have heard called, "Earthy-Crunchy." They had better not try feeding us organic soy kibble, or we will be forced to deal with them...with extreme prejudice.
The male gave us some 'floor turkey' again this light. He has a strange ritual that when he is putting his human kibble into little bags, he will sometimes take a small amount of this meat, touch the ground with it, and then feed it to us. We do not know why, but the more we yell at him, the more likely it is that he gives us the meat. So we yell at him a lot. Masochist! Of course, we are yelling, "Give us the meat, you Fool!", so perhaps he is learning our language at last.
He tries to hide the food he gives us from the female. Apparently he does not realize that the female also gives us food, in the form of 'treats', 'chips', 'kibble', and more or less everything else she eats.
Last dark we had something called a 'nap-o-le-on'. The female ate most of it, then the male took what little was left over, nibbled at it, then offered it to us. It smelled strange and wonderful, so we took a swipe at it and knocked some of it to the ground. We then jumped to the ground and ate it. It was bizarre. Sweet, flaky, frosted, and puddin'-like. All at once. We wanted more, but the male finished it before we could kill him and steal it. Perhaps next time....
Ah, well, the female is with us this light, so we must remain wary of her plotting. We will go nap in the big cardboard box in the cave with glowing boxes.
Tuesday, November 11, 2003
We were very restless last dark. We kept trying to find a nice, comfortable place to sleep, but we could not quite get comfortable, so we kept moving from spot to spot. The male made a large fire in the fire hole, and he and the female drank the red water.
When the female climbs onto her sleeping hill, if we are nearby, she will grab us and pull us under the furflats, which she sleeps under. This happens quite often, since the male will carry us to the sleeping hill with him and entertain us until the female arrives.* We know he does not expect us to sleep with them. Certainly, we like to rest on the sleeping hill, but the male always lies in our space, and so we end up having to scold him. Besides, it is a very small space to rest, being only about 2 leaps across. That is barely enough for us alone.
When light came, the female arose, and the male was just coming up from the bottom cave. He is very strange. He has these creatures he gets on and moves his legs up and down until he drips with smelly water. He will often do this for two or three naps. The creatures never move or eat, and they have only the smell of the male on them.
Last dark, the female got on one of the creatures. This has never happened before. We followed her down there, and she was running after us, but did not move. Why do humans run without moving? There were no mice or birds. We simply don't understand these very bizarre creatures.
* Perhaps we are being exploited in some kind of mating ritual. The male might present the female with a glorious creature such as ourselves to prove what a good hunter he is, so shat she will provide him with favors. Surely she cannot expect that the male could catch us if we did not wish it?
Monday, November 10, 2003
ALL BOW BEFORE TOEBITER, THE FEARSOME SLASHER, SLAYER OF RODENTS!
We have been very busy for the past few lights. The smelly apes, we must admit, do have a certain appeal to us. We love it when they stroke behind our ears, and the male will rub our neck any time. We will often climb on top of him in his sleeping hill and he just rubs our head. Excellent!
Last dark we feasted on mouse-flesh!
The humans have been extra subordinate and worshipful since last dark, when they discovered the mouse we had hunted and killed. We left it for them on their sleeping hill, but they did not return until dark, and we get such joy from tossing around the dead, conquered rodents that we started to play with it again, and they found it on the hill to the bottom cave. It's too bad, because we had ripped out its throat and placed it on their puffy headrest.
The male found it, and called for the female, who picked us up and gave us many 'treats'. We do not recognize the nature of these 'treats' but they have the stench of fish guts, and we love those. For the remainder of the dark, and until they left this morning, they praised us and rubbed our neck.
Thursday, November 06, 2003
RearhHHH! PHFFFTTTT! Is there NO justice in this world?!? The female did not come home last night! Dark came, and shortly thereafter the male arrived, and performed many subservient acts that gave us pleasure, BUT THERE WAS NO FEMALE!
We had plans for the female. We were going to attack her as she came in, trip her and then play with her hair while she lay on the floor incapacitated. We were also going to nibble on her toes. There were some other things we planned as well, but we'll not mention them here.
Did she know our plans? Does she have another cave? She did not have the scent of another master. When she finally entered the cave, the male was on the sleeping hill, and did not even get up to chase her briefly. He will not keep the female very long if he does not chase and bite her. If he does not allow her the opportunity to reject him, how can he expect to be desirable? Foolish male!
We are very sleepy today. We may need to rest the entire light so that we will be ready for when the female returns to the cave at dark.
This cave has many holes. But it is warm. We find this place very confusing. We cannot get through the holes, as there is some kind of covering over them. We cannot see the covering, but it is cold and smooth. We used to bump into it, but now we rub our nose on it so that we can see where it is. The hole leading to the bird show is very large.
We must rest now. We can feel the wicker hamper calling us.
Wednesday, November 05, 2003
The male has taken to carrying us around on his shoulders. We find this to be acceptable, as it brings us closer to his throat, however we do not like the way he carries us. Still, it gets us from one place to another, so why not?
As light came, we started calling out orders to both the male and the female. They ignore us or call back, but often do not do our bidding. This insolence must cease!
Both of the hairless monkeys spend a lot of time in the water room. We do not know what they do in there, but based on its odor when the male leaves, we deduce that it is some kind of litter box. But where does it go? We have much to learn about these foul creatures, if only we weren't so tired.
We need to nap now. We have moved 6 times since last light, and we need to rest. We plan to have some fun with the female tonight!
Tuesday, November 04, 2003
We think that the female suspects that we are up to something. She keeps following us around, looking for us, and won't let us bite her feet. She is much smarter than the male. We think that the hairy meat popsicles have the interesting characteristic of intelligence being inversely proportional to physical dexterity. The female bumps into things, a lot. Not in the graceful way that we might intentionally bump into a tree, but more in a screaming while jumping around way.
But we digress. She definitely suspects something. She has even taken to hoarding our playthings, as evidenced by her blog, which chronicles her fixation in detail. She will make the calling sound, then not service us when we arrive. She does not answer when we use the power on her, and has not yet brought us the fish we ordered her to get. The male, on the other hand, has consistently provided us with many exotic meats that curl our tail and make us dig our claws deep into his flesh out of gratitude. More on the female later. She must be dealt with.
Too bad that my minion disappeared; though a lowly canine, despicable in every way, he was subservient and acted as her nemesis, soiling her sleeping hill and other lying places at my command. Had he lasted a little longer, we are certain she would have been driven out, leaving us to deal with the male. A simple task indeed.
We are Toebiter, the Fearsome Slasher! We shall rule on high, a beautiful, furry queen worshipped by all. All shall love us and despair! We bring glory to the sisterhood of the fur, we rule by right of fang and claw, we tear the flesh, BEHOLD OUR GLORY!!!
The time of man is passing. His weakness speaks for itself. He has shown himself unworthy, the darksleeper. He sits, he stares at the noisy facebox, he eats the nonmeats. He does our bidding with the enthusiasm and intellect of a dirty canine. Woe be to these loathesome creatures. We cannot form words to describe our disgust for him. We can feel the change coming. Soon, our day will come.
In the meantime, today the male was in the water room, and he left the white pond open, so that we were able to partake of its cold, fresh bounty. Ahhh! The delicious cold water of the white pond. He came back and chased us away, but we had drank our fill.
Later, we were taunting him with our magnificance, and he kept trying to chase us. What a fool! Does he not realize that the two-footers will never be a match for the fur-footed? We handily shamed him by jumping straight across his sleeping hill, then right past him and then we challenged him. He was clearly terrified, as he pointed at us, called the female to stand behind him, watching us, and let out a horrified sound. Something like "Ahhaahaa!" In our cave, no one can hear you scream.
The humans left, and we went to sleep in the blue cardboard box that was left for us in the middle cave that leads to the world. A fitting homage to a glorious creature. Us!
Monday, November 03, 2003
Today the water falls from sky. The male has left for the day, but the female remains. This means that we will have to sleep in the room with humming boxes while she stares at the glowing square. We find the ticking of her paws on the buttons soothing, but we know she is up to something. If we sleep in the bottom cave, where it is dark and cool, she will just come looking for us over and over, constantly disturbing us while we plot and sleep. At least there is a cardboard box in there, and it is just our size.
Perhaps we should tell you a little about ourselves. We gloriously came into existence in a cardboard box in May of 2001. Our father was the Devil, and our mother was a feral cat possessed of the Demon Astaroth. We were chosen to rule over all the creatures of the earth, except for rodents and birds, which are to be eaten. We were taken from our mother while very young, and were put in a place of metal boxes and many canines, which we hate. It occurs to us that there would be more room in the place of metal boxes if they would set the canines on fire, then put them out by throwing them in a river.
Through guile and cunning, we were in the place of metal boxes and many canines for a short time, as we duped a pair of humans into taking us to their cave. The fools are truly gullible, and we loathe them, however we hold them in our thrall, and they do our bidding very well.
After one year, we got them to move to a new cave specifically prepared for feline inhabitation. The ground here is covered in a kind of fur that makes for excellent traction, unlike to old cave that was covered in tree meat. We love running up and down the furhill that separates the cave spaces. This is a wonderful setting for us to plot how we shall rule the earth; all in the fullness of time.
Sunday, November 02, 2003
The bird show today was simply luscious! How frustrating though! We sat at the edge of the entrance to bird land, and it occurred to us: Why do these stupid creatures, who seem to spend all day fluttering from a tree to the Seed Pole and then back to the tree, not simply form a line and fly into our mouth. Their entire purpose in life is to serve as our meal, yet we get no satisfaction.
We could spend our entire life pondering the many delightful ways to eat the birds, were it not for all the cardboard boxes. We lust after cardboard boxes. We do not know why we are drawn to them so, yet we are. We love to play in them, we love to sleep in them, we love to tear them to shreds. While it is true that wicker is better, cardboard shreds much more easily.
The humans did not get up before light, which can only mean that we will be forced to entertain them again today. We like it much better when they leave just after light and return after dark. It gives us all day to sleep, scratch things, and to put my bottom on the elevated surface in the eating place. We do not know why the humans don't want us there, since there are so many wonderful things to play with, and the cool surface feels so nice on our bottom and pawpads. So we are forced to go on there when they leave.
Saturday, November 01, 2003
Today we woke one of the humans in a particularly amusing fashion. We lunged at his foot and plunged our talons and fangs deep into his manflesh. Ahh! It was delightful. the sound he made as he awoke was truly delicious! The female usually plays flying kitty with us when we do that, but the male is not as entertaining. He merely covers his foot with those stinking flatfurs that he sleeps under.
Later, when the female arose, we waited until she was walking down the fur hill and then dove down in front of her. Sadly, she did not trip and plunge to her doom. We will not yet feast on that one. Tired from my efforts, we found a pair of blue leg covers on their sleeping hill, and went to sleep.
