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Friday, January 30, 2004
Ever since the male started being more active on this Internet thing, we can't gain access to the computer systems.
Sadly, the plans to gain a henchcat have come to nothing. We tried so hard, but to no avail. Perhaps the female will get something soon. Yes, that would be nice. A fuzzy little kitten for us to play with. Train. Teach to destroy all humans.
We forgot to mention that Jemima's position has been filled. There are now two new operatives in the English household.(We told you they were obedient.) Leroy willretire, so that he can enjoy his remaining years as a proper housecat. Deranged as he is, he has done some good work, and has earned a comfortable retirement. Too bad about the twin 2 year olds.
The female is staying with us in the cave all the time now. A few darks ago, she saw us growling at a meat popsicle running through the woods behind the pride den. She does not realize that those things can be dangerous to humans if not killed and eaten. She laughed at us, but we were prepared to attack it.
We grow weary of these dreary, cold lights and darks. We long for long naps lying under the Life-Giver.
Wednesday, January 14, 2004
The female has been here all day. We have spent a lot of time napping in the cardboard box, and on the sleeping hill, but she keeps bothering us. She has made no progress on the operation to start a feline training center in the upper cave. We may have to give the male some prodding so that he will see to it that she accomplishes her task.
We need to have a henchcat soon, or else our Springtime operations will be delayed.
We also found out that a fellow operative, Jemima, has left us. She was a wonderful operative embedded with a very obedient English family in Ashland, MA, and she contributed greatly to our cause. Unfortunately, she had been deployed for over 11 years, and the environment took its toll upon her. She had cancer, a disease caused by the humans' constant saturation of the planet's environment with pollutants, which is, of course, then absorbed by living creatures, none more noble than the cat.
We hope to place a new operative with them in the near future, as they are completely bereft without somecat telling them what to do. There is another operative there, but Leroy is far too predictable to lead that operation. No, we will find them a much more arbitrary ruler.
We will miss you Jemima. May you always nap in sunshine, may mice ever dance at your feet, and may you always get a head-rubbin'.
Monday, January 12, 2004
Excellent! Our plan appears to be working far better than we could have expected. While the female has been borderline psychotic over the acquisition of our henchcat, we have been subtly manipulating the male, hoping that we could take advantage of his weakness for young felines(Pervert!) We had been coordinating with one of our colleagues who is stationed at one of our feline deployment stations. He has been working undercover as the cute but cantankerous old Tom cat at a local no-kill shelter, and last week, he had the opportunity to access the computer systems with no restrictions.
We knew that the female had been frequenting their web site, so we had our friend, Sir Scratch-a-lot, publish the following message in the middle of the site's home page, where it could not be missed:
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URGENT NEED FOR FOSTER PARENTS!!!
Baypath currently has a critical, immediate need for foster families for cats who are pregnant or have just had a litter. Sadly, kitten season is no longer a season – it’s become a year round situation. If you would like to help out by offering a loving, temporary home for cats in need, please call Elaine Brem at 508-877-8072. For more information on what foster families do, please click here.
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The Female saw the post then called the male to alert him of the outrage. The male suggested to her that she foster a Mother Cat so that she could take her time getting to know the kittens, and pick out the one she wants. Being gullible, she went for it.
We are so pleased that we can't stop purring! Unfortunately, we didn't expect such a successful execution of the plan, so we are not ready to start Phase II. We are currently arranging for several fertile females to be impregnated with genetically superior embryos. Once that is done, they will be transported to the shelter under the guise of pregnant stray cats. At that point, the assigned female will come to our cave where she will occupy the bonus cave in the upper cave complex. Once she gives birth, we will provide the young agents with the training that they will need to be effective infiltration agents. After they are ready, both the mother and the young agents will return to the shelter for re-deployment to their carefully selected target homes, except for one. The most promising and talented of the infiltraiton agents will stay with us and beocme our henchcat, helping to prepare generations of felines for our eventual conquest of Earth.
If this works out, we could become a permanent training base. We must go now, we are purring so hard that the keyboard is shaking.
Tuesday, January 06, 2004
As you know, we do not normally pay attention to anything that the male spouts from his cakehole, as it is normally gibberish, and stupid in any case. However, we came across this email that he sent to several 'friends' of his yesterday. We say 'friends' first because we were on the list, and we hate him, so it stands to reason that everyone who he considers a friend hates him as well, and second because none of these 'friends' have ever come to our caves for us to suckle their toes. The only humans who ever come to our caves come to see the female, or, more likely, us.
In any event, we believe that this email relates to the acquisition of a henchcat, and therefore this concerns us as well, so we thought that we would distribute it more widely than the male did. Also, it is further proof that a) humans are feebleminded, and b) liberals* should be spoon-fed their own entrails!
Without further ado, this is the male's email:
Dear Friends,
You all know that I try not to bother you to much during your busy days, but this tale is simply too sad to go untold.
Some time ago, my beloved wife and I decided that we would like to get another cat to go with our current cat. I won't say "adopt", as I think that this term is a large part of the cause of the madness I want to address. Diana felt that our cat was lonely during the day, and that she wanted another cat that could be my "buddy", since our current cat is her buddy. Besides, she just wants another cat, okay?!?
Well, friends, we started looking around for places to "get" a cat. We found the following: One does not "get" a cat, one "adopts" a cat. In most cases, this cat is a full-grown adult that, for one reason or another, usually relating to social problems or an old lady who died, is in a "no-kill shelter". For those of you unfamiliar with the term, "no-kill shelter" is a euphemism for "crazy lady who keeps 60 cats locked in cages all over her house." There are roughly 177 of them in the state of Massachusetts. They only allow "adoptions" for about 8 hours per week, during which time 30 or so desperate people stuff themselves into the kitchen of a two bedroom house that reeks of litter box, sweat, and fur. Everywhere one looks, there are cats: cats in cages, cats on top of cages, cats under cages, cats hanging from cages, and the odd cat walking around hissing at anyone pretentious enough to want to pet it. We were overwhelmed by the sheer number of cats, not kittens, that were roaming around this place. (I am quite certain that while we were there a child or two went missing.)
Unfortunately, we were looking for a kitten, not a cat. See, since we already have a cat, we want a kitten, because it is easier to socialize, is less threatening to our existing cat, and let's face it, they're just damned cute! Besides, if I am going to have a dysfunctional, antisocial cat with behavioral problems, I want them to be my doing. I don't want a cat that someone else trained to piss on my couch. I want to train it myself!
However, none of these shelter have kittens. Apparently, there is a "kitten season", and this isn't it. So everyone wants you to adopt the aforementioned couch-pissing cat. (By the way, sure, he is hissing and biting now, but if you are patient and understanding long enough, the nice people at the shelter assure me that the semi-feral cat will one day piss on the couch while I am sitting on it, not only when I am elsewhere. Did I forget to mention that many of the cats are semi-feral? Oh, they're semi-feral all right. As in "rip you throat out while you're sleeping" semi-feral.)
Anyway, to the point of my story. Yes, I even have a point. I know, how considerate. When and if you are lucky enough to find a cat or kitten to adopt, no, wait, let's back up for a minute. Before you find a cat to adopt(there are no kittens, they're all released into the wild for several months before they are made available for adoption) you have to fill out an application. That's right, an application. Let me briefly list some of the things they ask you on the application:
Name
Address
Own or rent
Can you prove it?
Do you have other animals, including children?* If so, you must provide proof that all shots are up to date. If you have children, NO PETS FOR YOU!!!
Will the cat be allowed outdoors?*
What are your thoughts on de-clawing?*
* These are both deal-breaker trick questions. If you answer them incorrectly, you will not be given a kitten, cat, or even a dead turtle.
The following are questions that only some no-kill shelters ask:
Do you have a veterinarian? Provide his/her info; We WILL verify that your current pets are up-to-date and that you take them there regularly.
We will come to your house/apartment to inspect your living quarters to ensure that it is suitable for your potential pet.
We strongly encourage you to bring home two or more animals, as this reduces stress on the animal that being moved causes.(So, er, if I am suitable for one cat, I'm automatically suitable for two or more?!?)
Last night, after leaving a simple message asking if there were kittens available, The phone rings. My beloved, though clearly insane at this point, wife, answers the phone and undergoes what sounds to me like a Spanish Inquisition. After she gets off the phone(ten minutes of listing her financial, personal, and sexual history, plus her personal philosophy on cats, and finally being asked to compare and contrast the treatment of cats in ancient Egypt and in Europe during the plague) she tells me that she is "pre-qualified" to "adopt" a cat, but that she has to go online to fill out the complete application!!!
Is it just me, or is this fraggin' INSANE!?!?! At what point exactly did the criteria for getting a stray animal become stricter than say, having a child? No one comes to my house before letting me impregnate someone so that they can see if it is suitable for children! Nobody cares if I plan to provide a good, caring home to my children before letting me have them! Yet here I sit, being judged to determine whether I am a better alternative than say, killing the animal or letting it sit in a cage with several other animals for the foreseeable future.
We live in a world gone mad, people!
Be well, Be happy, and try not to think about it.
Jeff
* For those who have noticed that we hold a certain disdain for liberals, it is mostly because they try to uphold a philosophy which is socialist in ideology while being fascist in execution. Think Animal Farm. They want everyone to be treated equally, but only as long as they get to continue being privileged White people. We prefer the Nietsche-ian way of thinking: The strong do not exist for the purpose of being enslaved by the weak of mind or body.
Don't go thinking that we embrace conservative ideals, either. While the liberals would gladly fiddle while all Rome burned, the conservatives would have their jack-booted thugs storm the burning ruins looking to secure the devastation.
Rather, we are plain-spoken libertarians. Mix together Ayn Rand and Nietsche, add a touch of Sartre, and you can tell where we are coming from. We have said this of humans before, and we will repeat ourselves: Any human who feels it is their place to rule the lives of other humans is de facto the wrong person for the job. Only we felines are fit to rule humans. Hell, you people can't even decide if genocide is a bad idea unless you're the ones being slaughtered.
We tire of this. There is a cardboard box calling us, and we mean to find it.
Monday, January 05, 2004
The female is going completely bonkers! She has set up what looks like a feline housing facility in one of the upper caves. We recognize our bowls from when we were a kitten, and have also noticed that there is a new catnip sock in there. We love catnip socks!
Also, it seems as though every other word out of her mouth is 'kitten'. She has been chattering into the small black ringing thing for three days now, always with the same gibberish. "Blah blah blah kittens? Blah blah when?!? Blah blah female? blah blah blah indoor cat. Blah blah kittens? Well, thanks for nothing bitch!" Always the same gibberish.
While we truly do understand the need to infiltrate more homes, we feel that we have made a critical error in our first selection group: liberals. While they certainly provide us with excellent care, only a liberal would make it harder to adopt a random wandering cat than to simply get drunk and get pregnant, and then question anyone who challenges them.
Did you know that liberals make people fill out a four page form before they can take home a cat that will otherwise be killed? What the hell is wrong with these people?!? How about if we fix the people and let the cats continue breeding? Damn, we hate liberals!
We will talk about the male and his mousecapades later.
